Don’t Judge the Journey

Do you ever have those days when you are so annoyed with people around you and more specifically how they behave?  Maybe you have a co-worker that seems to be gunning for you.  Or your spouse, how they behave each time you have an argument.  Even, people you encounter on the road, at the bank, in everyday life.  Let’s face it, people can be frustrating. 

My heart breaks today.  I have been frustrated with someone I dearly love.  I have wanted wholeness and healing for them, and I have hoped for every good thing to come their way.   At each turn, when things didn’t go the way I thought would be best, I have hurt for the relationship and what I perceived might be the outcome.  I have prayed each day for blessing, health, healing and God’s love to be poured out on them.  I have imagined thousands of times what healing and health might look like in our relationship and what their life might look like too.  I’ve tried to be an encourager, supportive, and loving but often that isn’t what comes across to them. 

As I prayed for my loved one today, I began to feel a little bitter.  My heart bursting with love for them and yet, not able to be close.  It began small but increased a stream of thought through my mind of ways my love appears to have been snubbed.  Lack of interest, lack of time together, lack of acknowledgement of my actions towards them.  And even telling me my actions don’t say what I want them to.  As these thoughts began to assail my mind and heart, bitterness became apparent. 

On one hand I feel justified in my bitterness.  I am loving the best way I know how and yet it doesn’t show up well for them. They just need to see it and accept it.  On the other hand, I began to be afraid that if I allow bitterness to take root, this relationship will never see healing.  I had to stop what I was doing and first, ask God to forgive me for holding any grudge or hard feelings against them.  And secondly, ask God to show me how to love well.  How to see them like God does and love them like that.  I got up from my quiet time asking God to remove bitterness in me and change me.

Yesterday, I watched a devotional with my family about anger.  It talked about good anger and bad anger.  The thing that stuck out to me was, in the moment of anger, I should stop and ask why I am angry.  Is there something that really caused hurt or was my pride damaged.  Maybe I hate feeling rejected, so I get angry.  Any number of reasons can cause anger to rise.  In my mind, I like to call anger, frustration.  It’s prettier. That way I don’t have to acknowledge I may have the bad kind of anger.

So, with the devotional still on my mind, I asked, why I am frustrated/angry about this today?  What about this moment has caused me to be angry at my loved one?  As I began to work back through my feelings, and my desire to love them.  I see them struggling.  I hear words spoken by both of us over the years and then I really begin to see the past for what it is. 

I can see how my actions have hurt them.  Both my good intentions and my selfish actions.  Yes, I want to live each day pouring out love on them but often I let my selfish desires dictate the way I love.  I made decisions that impacted them deeply.  Far more deeply than I could have imagined.  I spoke words that meant to uplift but rather conveyed disappointment.  So many situations came to mind and I began to see the connection of the attitude from today and the circumstances of the past.  This moves me to tears.

Yes, we each have a choice how we deal with pain or disappointment.  Yes, we each have to choose if we will let the pain of the past destroy us and others arounds us.  We are responsible for our actions and words.  We also need to recognize when we have caused others pain. Asking for forgiveness, maybe hundreds of times as we walk into the future seeing our past come to light.   Each time I ask for forgiveness, each time I share how I can see what my actions or words have done to hurt, I am owning my part in the brokenness of this person.  I can’t choose how they will respond to my words or actions but if I stop judging the moment in their journey that frustrates me, I can extend grace and peace.  The hope is seeing peace and healing in relationships being restored.  For me today, I want to love well.  That means loving them with God intentions and not selfish intentions.  Being cautious in how I speak and act so that I can be intentional with what is conveyed.  And lastly, trusting that God is moving in their life.  He is able to heal, restore and transform both of us. I don’t need to push or cajole them.  I can love them fully, knowing they hurt and hope for relationships as well. 

Abba, help me to not judge the moment of the journey but rather love the one who is on the journey.  Let me not add more pain but instead let me own pain I have brought and ask humbly for forgiveness.  Let my actions, words and intent be releasing them to you so that the very best can be accomplished in their lives.  Choosing to trust you with them.  After all, you are the only one who can bring healing from the past into the present and create future hope.  You are good and I trust that.