Forgiveness -A how to, from someone who is working on it.

First, let me start by saying I am not the expert on this subject. I am merely a student of the Word. I have walked through hurt and created hurt for others which I have needed to ask forgiveness. This is what I have adapted in my life and marriage. And what I pray continues to grow in me.

Forgiveness is a tough one. It’s not something that we can address once and wrap it up in a nice, neat bow never to worry about it again. I believe that is why Jesus said to forgive 77 times. Matthew 18:21-22 NIV ²¹ Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” ²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

I’m sure Peter felt that forgiving someone seven times was generous. If someone hurts me that many times I assume they are probably jerks not worth my time, right? But Jesus tells Peter, that forgiveness is to be granted over and over. This passage in Matthew 18 doesn’t clarify what sins should be forgiven over and over or if there are some that you don’t forgive. Jesus makes a blanket statement that, we keep forgiving. Now, before you get angry telling my why your situation is different or your hurt is too great or those who hurt you don’t want forgiveness, I caution you to set the hurt on the shelf for just a moment and pause. Breath. Sometimes following Jesus is hard and sometimes we have to stop the spinning in our heads and surrender our hurt to the only one who can heal it. Unforgiveness wreaks havoc on our mind and body. It causes sickness and anxiety. It isn’t good for us to carry that pain. It’s healthy to work through it, even when it hurts.

Just for clarification – forgiveness is not being a doormat for others. Letting people continue to hurt and damage you over and over and just loving them in return. Forgiveness is not holding the hurt against them in your heart. We allow the real Judge, our Daddy God, to deal with those who hurt us. Forgiveness towards others and yourself is imperative! Jesus shows us how to pray and talks about forgiveness in strong language. Matthew 6:9-15 NIV “This, then, is how you should pray: “‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, ¹⁰ your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. ¹¹ Give us today our daily bread. ¹² And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. ¹³ And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’ ¹⁴ For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵ But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

We can read this and feel utter condemnation. Maybe we haven’t forgive others yet. Maybe we have held that unforgivness for months or years. We might think that this scripture shows we aren’t good enough for God or able to be forgiven by God because we haven’t first done our part. The wonderful thing about this very is the example of the one praying it. Jesus is loved by God. He’s God’s son and in showing us how to pray – He is showing us how to pray to One who loves us and wants relationship with us. In the original language, Our Father, is an informal greeting, more like Daddy. Jesus shows us we can come and speak to God in an informal way trusting that He hears and He loves us. Also, God gives us the ability to pray! He gives us the understanding that we need to be forgiven by our Daddy God and we need to forgive others. It’s an understanding that we have sinned. We have messed up terribly but God doesn’t turn away when we come to Him, humble and ready to repent. He forgives us and gives us the ability to turn from that sin. Even when we fail in that area again, He is still forgiving when we come!

When we forgive others, it’s a willingness to trust that God is in control and He will deal with the other person appropriately. We should go to the person who hurt us and let them know we are hurt by them. If their response is regret and pain, desiring forgiveness, then let’s give it. Just like God does. Without constant reminders of that failure. If they don’t care that we are hurt, then we need to take that pain to our Daddy God and ask Him to heal the hurt. We ask Him to deal with the offender. Then we rest, knowing God is in control.

We can also ask that God would do a work in the other person not as justice met out but as mercy. I have been given mercy by God when He forgives me of these sins I have commit against Him. Asking God to do a work in someones heart is praying for their best even when they have hurt you. It’s not easy but what a difference that prayer makes over the – “deal with them God” type prayer.

Now if we have been the ones causing the offense and we know we hurt someone, we need to be humble and go to them. Confessing and then asking for forgiveness. If they receive it then wonderful! If they harbor hurt and choose not to receive it, then again, we take it to our Daddy God and ask Him to help restore the relationship. We have to remain humble about the hurt we caused. We may need to earn trust back with the one we have hurt. Understanding that hurt doesn’t just go away when I say sorry. My heart needs to stay soft in that area.

A personal example is in my marriage. Brett and I were married for years and then divorced for 3 years. When we re-married by a miracle of God’s provision, we had TONS of pain and hurt. We had addiction, adultery neglect and deep, deep pain of years of dysfunction. When we remarried it was humbling to see what I had done over the years to hurt Brett. It was a hard realization for him too. We realized that we had done some severe damage to each other. When Brett would share something that hurt him, it most often was a reaction to pain from years earlier. I had two choices in that moment. Tell him to get over it remind him how different I had become OR humbly apologize for the hurt I cause and ask him to forgive me. I caused that pain. It wasn’t fun for me to own it, especially years later but it didn’t change the fact that I caused the damage. I have changed but that doesn’t automatically erase pain I have caused. Each time a hurt comes up, I choose my response. Now I am in a place that after 15 years of being remarried, it breaks my heart to understand that I hurt my Brett in ways that he would still feel hurt from so long ago. That is a crushing reality. I want to remind him in those moments that I hate that I have caused that kind of pain and that I never want to be that person again. Thankfully as years go by those hurts are less and less. They have healed over time.

When I am hurting, feeling bruised by Brett, he has the choice too. He can be humble and ask for forgiveness or move on and not own the pain caused. In that moment, I have a choice, to let it go or hold on to it. Seeing changes in Brett over these last 15 years I see that Brett is different. I choose to accept his plea for forgiveness and stand together in healing rather than fight. We want to be quick to extend mercy and grace on each side.

Daddy God, thank you that you are good and holy. Perfect and loving. Thank you for forgiving me over and over. Give me strength to ask for forgiveness when I have hurt others. Let me be humble and remember how much pain I caused – making changes to not cause hurt again. And when my heart is broken by others, give me strength to forgive. Let me be willing to release the hurt and pain to You, no matter the offenders response. You are good at healing me and those around me. Let me remember that.