Frantic and Out of Order
Have you ever noticed seasons of your life appear more like chaos than a neatly ordered reality? Have you sat back and wondered how has it become so out of control? If you’re like me, then the answer to both questions is yes.
My marriage was failing. I had begun to lose hope that God would heal my marriage. And truthfully, I began to doubt if God indeed could fix this mess, we called a marriage. I hated what we had become and no amount of begging or pleading with God nor Brett seemed to change it. I slowly began to go into self-defense mode. Putting up walls to protect my heart. It hurt so much. Life was not what I had hoped and definitely not what I expected. I knew that I had chosen this life, but it seemed so unfair that it was this hard. I didn’t feel like I could ever catch a break. Day after day, pain filled my heart and mind, never a moment to breath and start healing before more hurt etched its way into my already bruised and broken soul. Each day, I built the walls higher and higher blocking out both Brett and God. I began to do what I envisioned would be best for me.
I made decisions out of my own desire and my perception on how I could feel loved and cherished. I only wanted to feel good. I wanted all the bad details of my everyday life to end and I wanted that fairy tale life I had hoped for, to begin. The trouble was, chaos just continued to reign. No matter my decisions. Only now, my decisions seemed to heap more pain and trauma rather than bring healing. I had more chaos than in the beginning. It was not getting better, rather worse with each passing day.
When I started making my decisions to leave Brett and end my marriage, I stopped asking God what He wanted me to do and started asking Him to bless my decisions instead. I didn’t want to do things His way any longer. Life wasn’t coming together fast enough. My prayers didn’t get answered within the timeline I had given God. Even the extensions I gave Him went by without Him coming though for me the way I had hoped. I was making a terrible mess and all the while wondering why I couldn’t get it to work out like I thought it would.
The correct order is; God on the throne of our lives, and we respect and obey His boundaries and direction. Chaos reigns in our lives when we take God off the throne and seat ourselves there, instead, ordering God to stay within our determined boundaries. I can tell you that, God will allow us to make our own decisions. He will step aside and let us do our own thing but He will not bless our lives or decisions if they are outside His will, no matter how much we beg Him to.
God’s plan for us is not created out of some spur of the moment idea. We are created with a plan and a purpose. Intentionally. He fashioned us with that purpose in mind.
Isaiah 45:9 “Woe to those who quarrel with their Maker, those who are nothing but potsherds among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, ‘What are you making?’ Does your work say, ‘The potter has no hands’?
I had the order all wrong and chaos continued to surround my life until I changed the order. My terrible decisions came to a head and I had a choice. I could do it God’s way, confessing to Him and to those whom my decisions affected, that I was wrong. Or I could continue my way and watch my life, the lives of my children and the potential for a healed marriage, implode.
It was not easy. It was humbling. I had so many people I needed to seek forgiveness from. Hard, painful and freeing conversations ensued. God began to restore order to my chaotic life. He worked in my heart to heal old wounds and damaged relationships. He challenged me to look at circumstances differently. He not only turned my life around but changed it so drastically that I couldn’t not have planned for my life to be as wonderful as it is now. My life is far from perfect, but I wouldn’t have imagined the amount of healing that could come to my marriage and family.
Are you out of order today? Does chaos seem to reign in your life? Are there areas that you have removed God and you seated yourself on the throne of authority? What would it take to place God back at the top and let Him lead you into a place of peace and healing? It will be hard and humbling, but I promise you, it will be worth it. Don’t miss out on what God can do in you and through you. Freedom awaits you….
