Impatiently waiting…
About 8 months ago my hubby and I began to feel that God was asking us to make some pretty big decisions in our life. We stepped down from our ministry position and away from connections we had grown over the last 14 years. Change continued as our path of life changed and that precipitated changes in our job as well. Each step was difficult and required much prayer and pleading for direction. None of it was easy and each part would dramatically change how our lives would look.
Several of our close friends encouraged us to take time to rest, heal and grow so that we might be ready for the next step. It was hard to hear and even more difficult to do. I am a person of action. I like getting it done. I don’t love long seasons of rest and I really don’t like waiting. The other very difficult thing, we had no idea what the next season would hold. We had thoughts that we liked and what we thought sounded nice but we had very little clue as to what the next step was.
I started a journal to write down my thoughts about rest and waiting. I realized that at the end of each month I became grumpy and sullen. As the end of the month neared I had more agitation and frustration. As I journaled I began to see that at the beginning of each month I was giving God my directions on how I expecting Him to move in that month. I was seeing no movement or answers, hence the frustration and agitation. I was so blown away by my brazen behavior and child like tantrums. I had never associated my behavior with how I perceived God was moving in my situation. Taking time to journal that specific part let me see that I was out of line.
No matter my response or behavior, I can not force God to move. I knew He had us in a season of waiting and resting. No amount of pushing from me would change that timeline and season. He asked me to rest and I pushed and railed. So rather than dictate and worry, I began to journal the parts of my life that I wanted to see God move in. Each time I wrote a topic that I was anxious about and desperate to see God do something or give answers in, I followed it up with placing my trust in God’s timing and plan.
“I give you the timeline of my life – I want to structure and move my plans along in my own timeline. This is creating frustration as, it is not working out like I want. I trust you in the timing and revealing of your plan for us. I trust that you will continue to lead us and give us rest as we wait for you for answers. I trust that you will answer. You are a good God and you always answer. Help us to hear you and let us be willing to say yes when you call.”
It wasn’t immediate but it was pretty quickly into that type of journaling that I began to feel peace each time I wrote down my fear, anxiety or concern. As I journaled my issues with my life, following each one up with a moment of surrender, I walked away knowing I had left all those issues in the hands of the only One who can move on my behalf in a perfect way. If those worries did come up again during that day, I just brought to mind my journaling that day. It became a very real way to give my burdens over to my Abba.
“I give you permission to respond to me however you would like to – I have been telling you how I want you to respond to me and how I want it to look. Forgive me, I have commanded or given you my expectations of how I want your response to look. Today I lay my expectation down at your feet and I ask that you would respond to me however you choose and see fit. Help me to understand when you answer.”
Each journal entry became an act of trust. What ever was on my heart that morning, I wrote down. Choosing to move from worry and demanding expectation to a heart at rest, trusting God alone to move on my behalf. Some days I was surprised by the worry I carried. I hadn’t realized that I had worried so much about those around us and how our transition might affect them but I was. So I began to write out their names and my heart for them, trusting that God would move on their behalf as well.
“Abba, today I am worried for our friends. I worry how this transition will affect them. Remind me that you called us to action so that means you have good plans for our friends as well as us. You are able to bless, care for, protect and lead all of us even if we are apart. I lay down my desire to do the work that only you are capable of doing.”
Each day as I poured out my heart in every area, I began to rest more and more. I found peace in sharing my heartaches with the most caring Father and then resting in His ability to do what is best in every situation. We are still waiting to have answers. This season has gone on longer than I had hoped but in the waiting and resting, I have noticed more peace in my life than I have had in years. I am learning to lean in to God more and more as the days pass. Bringing my hurts and worries, honestly and completely, and leaving them in His ever faithful hands. Each day it’s gotten easier. And the days my heart flutters with a desire to boss God around, I am reminded to rest in His plan and timing.
“Today, I rest knowing you, God, are in control and you are trustworthy. I choose your way over my way. Faithful Abba, your plans prevail either way, so I choose to release you to do what you do well. I surrender my begging, pleading, striving. I know you have a place for us. You have good plans for us all in your good timing.”
